[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.