KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Why font matters.