I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.