i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My circle of trust is a meatball
what are they serving at kfc then???
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
i dont have time for this
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.