Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs