Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”