Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo