[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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I know this now 😂
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
congratulations to them
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.