Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]