Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Duolingo getting serious.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Xylophonist Shredding It
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.