Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.