Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes