At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.