@LizHackett: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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@o__0Dev: If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory.
@underchilde: I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@OldSpookMan: A homeless guy asked me "would you give me $5 for a sandwich?" I said "I don't know man, show me the sandwich first."
@Cpin42: Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.