@LizHackett: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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@randomlawless: Men don't ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they'll remember "breast, thighs, moist & hot"
@tigersgoroooar: if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree
@golubeerji: *feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date* - guess I shouldn't have run through the garden with my mouth open.
@pleatedjeans: Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe! Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]