Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Bit chilly again tonight.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT