Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
They got Raph!
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.