@tourettzgoth: Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's online shopping downstairs so I'm upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
@_senote_: Friend: What's your favourite season? Me: Of which show? Friend: 😐 Me: 😶 Friend: 😕 Me: 😐 Me: 👀💭 Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
@Storminika: I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way