Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
fired
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
sliding into dms like
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.