@KeepCaIm: Keep calm and text a random number..."I'm pregnant"
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@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
@ShortWhiteNUgly: Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@mattZillaaaa: It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.