Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Breaking news:
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies