Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
relationship goals
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit