A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Barbie gone wild
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die