Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You Might Also Like
Oops I deleted….
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that