Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Did I do this right
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
😎 🍻
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.