@OhNoSheTwitnt: Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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@_xLNc: My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
@DominicStraw: "No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!" "Honey, what movie are you watching?" "Our wedding video."
@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.