Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Found the job I’m suited for
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday