[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes