Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir