Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
how it started vs how it ended
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]