Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.