Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.