Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW