KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo