@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.

@AmishPornStar1: Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@stonedcoldlazy: Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

@NurseMurderer: I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90's TV