@OreoSpeedwagon_: Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
@david8hughes: [steps off crosstrainer]
"Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--"
"Shall I call an ambulance?"
"Please."
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@juliussharpe: I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler's diarrhea.
@TheCatWhisprer: The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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