Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.