Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
you gotta be faster
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.