Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
lol
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead