Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.