Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You Might Also Like
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.