Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Never forget.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom