*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Super Hand Dog Face
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.