Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.