kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
are they though??
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.