Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Education is vital
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of