KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?