kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
This is not me but this is me
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya