KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.