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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you