Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m having an out of money experience.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
reduce, reuse, recycle
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
yall want some gasoline milk
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”