Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.