Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Why is no one talking about this?!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me, flirting😏
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.