Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting