KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
You Might Also Like
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Catercrombie & Fish
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Worst Native American name ever.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.